Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Helm is 27 today.

the future upwards expanding


So, another year closer to thirty. Thoughts and resolutions follow.

This year was a mixed bag. The resolution was, I believe, to get a job and/or publish the comic (ZX). Both of these goals have been achieved. A hidden internal goal of the last few years was also to achieve some sort of equilibrium between the internal drives and what I require from the people close to me. How to use them but not abuse them and how to be a better friend. It seems much more work has to be done in this front, but before I can tackle that, I need to feel more of an adult. So the next step is to become mobile and self-sustaining. In this vein, I'm planning to move out and get a motorbike license. And possibly find additional work to secure these new movements.

My emotional life has been in turmoil in the last 4-5 months, and this is one of the reasons I haven't been posting as much as I had in the past (the other being that I don't have many comics to post at the moment!). Pushing aside the feeling of disappointment and despondency (disaffection, disassociation, dissomething or another) I realize that half of the weight of this result, at least, rests on my shoulders. It is difficult to become a human. And I'll tell you readers why that is:

There's things inherent to one's personality they cannot tinker with without upsetting everything else that makes one what they are, good and bad. And there's other aspects of them that are unfavorable and it's moderately possible to amend them, to become a better human. A friend or lover or other such close person has an obligation towards you to make a judgment call on which of the debris of one's personality are which. They may say "this is just Helm being Helm and we shall accept him as he is" and this is healing and good if the aspect of the personality they are accepting is inherent and motivates both good and bad reflexes. That I am a person very prone to (over)analysis and navelgazing is such a characteristic. It cannot be fixed, I don't need anyone to try to fix it for me.

But there's also surface aspects of one's personality that, when accepted, tend to fester. That's where you need vigilant friends and close ones to push you along the road to betterment, not people that completely 'accept you as you are'. I'm struggling with some such issues, I am not sure where it'll lead. I wonder why humans feel such tremendous self-doubt, where this comes from and what purpose it serves and I haven't come up with any answers. I need to work a lot, and it seems, sometimes, work a lot alone to get to something concrete on this front.

So, along with 'growing up' a bit this year, moving out, being self-sustaining and all that, my parallel goal is the great work of self-understanding and self-acceptance in tandem. Not one without the other. Difficult balance through a misty field. The way is dim but somehow I may yet find it.

16 comments:

Erenan said...

Happy Birthday!

I also became 27 four months ago, and in general, I feel as though I am going through similar development processes as you are. Good luck with all of your doings and becomings!

tsoureki said...

I agree with your smallish "core idiosyncracy and judgement call" lecture. When you reach this point is seems that you've exhausted every possible explanation for the supposed "disharmony" and that there are no other veils to lift; oddly enough (?)

I wish you to have the strength to continue this intense awareness practice of yours and, when you move out, to find the right product to polish your very own shower battery, dear Telemachus! (:

JesusGun said...

i wish you happy birthday, and entropy to be on your side. :)

Helm said...

Erenan, happy birthday to you also!

Tsoureki, thank you. Indeed at some point the issues of other people, whatever they may be, factor out as far as excuses go. Self betterment becomes a process that has to do with oneself solely, the other people are just wildcards. Can't hide behind the luck of the draw.

I will achieve what I'm talking about or I will die. There is no middle ground.

MasterOfDeception said...

hey m8 happy birthday ! 80s generation rocks the world !

Shelby Cobras said...

A very cheerful, mindless, and non-navel-gazing "happy birthday" from a "vigilant friend" overseas. If I thought the basic tenets of astrology held any significance whatsoever, I might find it interesing that our birthdays are less than 100 hours apart...

Helm said...

Thanks and thanks! Shelby, as you very well know everything is a coincidence and nothing is an accident.

Jason said...

A happy birthday indeed,from overseas (Portland, OR).Your honesty is something I admire, your tenacity and intelligence is something to strive for...your blogs/writing/art is quite special., I enjoy it immensely. Here's to happy momentum.

Helm said...

That's a very kind comment, Jason. Thank you. All the best to you as well.

Alex_P said...

Damn, I'm late. Happy birthday, and may you achieve your goals in the next year (and hopefully make headway on Poetry of Subculture). I'll make sure to write the date down next year.

gambar vektor said...

wow!! congrats ya helm, happy happy forever

Eliza said...

I'm even later...
Happy birthday, I hope it was the best one ever! Someone ought to draw you a birthday card.

Helm said...

Almost nobody draws the artist art, they feel intimidated I guess :`(

But thank you for the thought :)

Eliza said...

We shall see. I owe you a picture in return for the balloon one anyway. Perhaps I have secret uncultivated talents.

Helm said...

I find drawings by individuals who do not consider themselves artists very fascinating, so

Nekromantis said...

A very late congratulations from me as well. I've been off the "Blogosphere" a while too. I hope you eventually find some answers as to how to deal with your issues. What you said about our surface aspects that shouldn't be left to fester without any resisting powers strikes true to me and is uncomfortably familiar problem. If you reach to any solutions feel free to share them if you want.